Jokes

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

What dog smells of onions?
A hot dog.

Have you heard about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat carrying blue paint?
13 passengers were marooned.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

My brother got thrown out of the zoo last week. I said, 'Why was that?'
He said, 'I fed the monkeys.'
I said, 'You got thrown out of the zoo for feeding the monkeys?'
He said, 'Yes, I fed them to the lions.'

My brother said, 'Mum, I'm feeling sick as a dog.'
My mum said, 'Hang on, I'll call the vet.'

My brother came running in He said, 'Mum, there's a man outside with a broken arm called Brian.'
My mum said, 'That's a funny name for a broken arm.'

My mum went rushing to the doctor in a panic. She said, 'Doctor my little girl's swallowed my pen.'
The doctor said,' 'Don't worry you can borrow mine.'

Hear about the polar bear who tried to eat a penguin?
He couldn't get the wrapper off.

In school I was the teacher's pet.
She couldn't afford a dog.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey.

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because their feet smell.

How do you make time fly?

Throw the clock out of the window.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To go to the second hand shop.

Why didn't the skeleton go the the party?

Because he had nobody to go with.

Did you hear about the well-behaved little boy?  Whenever he was good, his Dad gave him 10p and a pat on the head.  By the time he was 16, he had £786 and a flat head.

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger? 

No, but I've seen a man eating chicken.